And the Soul Cries For
by Lies.And.Distraction
Summary: Neku talks to him, sometimes. Talks like he's got an audience, like Joshua's right there, when many times, all he's got is thin air and the people casting him odd looks on the street.


"Warnings:" Experimental characterization. May have used terms and concepts not native to the game (if you recognize it from Signal to Noise, I probably borrowed it from there). Spoilers through the end of the game. TWEWY clichés. General weirdness.

* * *

Neku talks to him, sometimes. Talks like he's got an audience, like Joshua's right there, when many times, all he's got is thin air and the people casting him odd looks on the street. Even if Joshua can't always be there to hear him- and when he is, Neku never knows the difference- the words are always directed towards him. If they're important, Shibuya carries them to him. Other times, he'll be listening to the city, trying to determine whether or not his efforts are healing her at all more than Neku's influence did, and catch the tail end of an aimless monologue- just Neku's thoughts about his day, comments about what Joshua would have said to this or that (and Neku's gotten very good at imitating that irritating drawl he put on when he was in the Game).

Sometimes, it's another invitation to join up with the four of them at the end of the week. _(Why does he still care about you? Why does he keep asking when you never respond?)_

Joshua hasn't missed one invitation since the first- not that Neku knows that. He's come. He's observed. But Neku is all RG now, and Joshua belongs to the higher planes. It's best not to keep interfering in Neku's life, let him have a shot at a good future without a side of meddling Composer.

That's what he tells himself. That's how he justifies his policy of look-but-don't-touch.

He finds himself sitting around with Neku and his friends because of one of those invitations, locked in a frequency just out of their sight. They're all smiles- Neku's grin is crooked and dorky and utterly the opposite of the expressions he wore when Joshua first observed and then worked with him- and inside jokes that Joshua only completely understands because Beat thinks loudly, often in helpful pictures. They're not even doing anything but talking, lounging around under a thick, old tree in the park that leaves them completely sheltered from the high sun, and it should be utterly mind-numbing. It should be dull and boring and it should make him resent humans again just a little- going through their empty lives (_it's the optimal parallel world, Shibuya's heart is beating again, things are better now, they have meaning again_) and laughing about them like idiots, wasting potential.

These children are special, though. _Enjoy the moment_, Sanae says, and they're trying not to miss even the smallest one. The Game is partially to thank for that, but their transformations are theirs, both individually and with each other's support. They've all changed each other. _(They've changed you. Or else you wouldn't be here. Nothing would.)_

So all it really is, in the end, is lonely. _(__It's not. It's fine__. You're used to it.)_ It's unfair. _(__It's the way of things. This is how it has to be- they need to go their separate ways, need to listen to what fate has for them__.)_ It's frustrating. _(T__hen __leave; __you're putting yourself through thi__s.)_

He doesn't move. Keeps plucking the grass, sitting cross-legged and facing them, wondering whether or not one of them would notice if he were also pulling up the grass all the way down to the RG. Probably not. Rhyme is wise, but always watching her brother. Neku is certainly too slow; he wouldn't notice unless someone pointed it out to him or it directly affected him.

Joshua smiles. He could shove a handful of it down Neku's shirt; that ought to get his attention. _(__Too bad you're trying not to do that.__)_

Neku is sitting up on one of the branches of the tree, and Shiki hasn't stopped looking at it distrustfully since he first climbed up. She clutches her stuffed animal closer to her- she hasn't been bringing it along quite so often lately; he wonders why she did this time- with white knuckles as Beat tosses grapes at Neku's face. Neku tries to catch them in his mouth, but ends up nearly slipping off the tree when he has to grab them from the air before they fall. So casual about things that can hurt him, as if he thinks that someone might catch him if he falls.

Beat might. Joshua wouldn't.

_(Yo__u would. Maybe that's why he doesn't care about doing stupid, childish things; he knows you'll come save the day if he needs you to. His very own knight in shining armo__r.)_

But of course Neku doesn't think like that. Would punch anyone who suggested it in the face.

Well, maybe not now. Unless it was Joshua. He'd probably gladly take the chance, then.

"Be more careful, Neku!" Shiki scolds, her grip not relaxing at all. Joshua gets the brief flicker of a thought from her, red and annoyance and Game, and really, stick with the annoyance- it's not like he's that far up. The fall won't kill him. Again.

"I'm being careful," Neku protests, teenage bravado that's all boy, his developing competitive streak only egged on by Beat over the past few months. Just as soon as that's said, he nods, and Beat shoves a handful of grapes into his mouth before throwing another one Neku's way.

Rhyme and Shiki share a commiserating glance, but Rhyme just shrugs and sighs, body language saying, _"B__oys will be boys_."

Shiki shakes her head, then reaches over and takes some of the grapes.

"You should hang upside-down, Neku," Joshua says, monotone. "Beat's skateboarding skills are fine, but his hand-eye coordination leaves a bit to be desired. Don't make him throw so high."

Maybe if he tries hanging upside-down, he _will _fall. Maybe Joshua will catch him without thinking, spare him the broken arm. Or maybe he won't. He grew out of anxiety long ago, but recognizes it in the light churning in his gut now, right next to sneaking anticipation; Sanae's been asking him what would happen if he broke his own rule, but while he sort of wants to know, he's also uncertain of the result.

"Yo, you gonna catch that Tin Pin tournament next week?" Beat says, mouth still full- Joshua wrinkles his nose- and Neku finally catches one of the grapes in his mouth.

He, at least, chews and swallows before speaking. "Still not sure. Got a lot of school work to do, and I think my mom wants to go somewhere on Saturday." The briefest flash of discomfort darkens his eyes, but no one else notices.

"You have homework that you need to do, too, Beat," Rhyme says, and Beat holds still long enough to make a face at her.

Then he looks away, disguises his distaste by throwing things at Neku again. "What's the point? Ain't like I'm gonna pass this year, anyway."

"Dude," Neku says, tone at once both amused and irritated, "you've got all three of us tutoring you. You'd _better_ pass."

"Let's not get into that argument," Shiki cuts in, and Joshua concurs- he doesn't particularly feel like hearing more personal issues right now. "We'll just spend more time working on whatever you need help with, if you need it, okay?"

Beat gives her an incredulous look, and the faces he makes certainly serve as the comic relief for the group. Neku's expression is less obvious, eyebrows pulled a little, lips twisted, looking over at the girl from the corner of his eye.

"Life can't be all fun and games, Neku," Joshua says, and smirks a little. "...Of course, I don't have a very high opinion of the school system these days, so I can't say homework is the way I'd encourage you to spend your time."

Later, they go for ramen- so totally expected that Joshua sighs, even as he waits outside the shop and wishes he might have some. It's been a while since he last ate.

* * *

When they split up, it's always the same: Rhyme and Beat go one way, and Neku escorts Shiki home before continuing on to his own house (_"Very chivalrous of you_," Joshua said once, as he ignored how close they were, their shoulders bumping every now and then). His walk home is long, and Joshua doesn't understand why he doesn't just take the train, or ride a bicycle if he knows he's going to be all the way across the city for the day. Then again, he thinks it has something to do with Neku's life at home, which he knows nothing about- not his business, and this is one boundary he'll gladly respect.

He's lagging behind, sees Neku's back and a mostly-empty street drenched in twilight, when Neku says, "Hey, Josh, how have you been?"

Joshua remains silent, slows down a little more. Neku doesn't know that Joshua can hear him, not really; he only hopes. _(Remember that.)__ (As if you can forget.)_

"Me... I've been all right. Went out with my friends today. We all kind of just hung out, like I said we would. Between you and me, I think Beat should stick to skateboarding- he can't throw for crap. Got me in the eye with a couple grapes."

"And why was he throwing grapes at you?" Joshua murmurs, playing along, and then says, "It's your own fault. Don't get distracted next time." There will probably be a "next time."

Neku doesn't hear his chide, of course. "You know, he's actually kind of an idiot." He says it fondly, and the urge to rip strikes Joshua. He stops in place until it passes.

"Yes, he is," he finally says quietly, and hesitates, forces himself to take a few quick strides so that he's not lagging behind anymore. He can control himself. He's been around way too long to let his emotions control _him_. _(St__op being so jealous. Stop being so afrai__d.)_

"... It was a pretty good day. Then again," he chuckles, "I guess I can't complain about most days, lately. I kind of... Feel like there's something I'm missing, though. I've felt like that a lot lately... Been wondering what it is I'm supposed to be doing, now that I've got my life back pressed and shiny from the cleaners. I've got all this inspiration that has to go somewhere, and it's not like I'm throwing that away, but I feel like there's something else I should be doing, too."

Joshua looks over, surprised- this is the first he's heard anything of this- but Neku is just staring pensively up at the sky. It's not a big problem, just a troubling thought and a wish that- no, Joshua won't consider that any further.

"You're not the philosophical type, Neku. Don't start that on me now."

"Anyway, yeah, it was fun. How was your day?" He pauses, holds his silence for a long time, almost as if he's actually expecting an answer.

He waits. And he waits. Joshua opens his mouth three times, but ends up saying nothing.

Eventually, Neku makes it to his front door, where he just stands for a few minutes. Finally, he scratches the back of his neck and looks back, eyes scanning along the road before sticking mostly to the right. "Guess it's time to go in, huh? Mom's probably wondering where I am."

Joshua is on his left. Not really close to the road at all. "Didn't you notice? Her car isn't here. She's stuck in traffic a mile away."

Neku scratches his neck a little more, and then rubs it vigorously with a heavy sigh. "Well... All right, then. Back to reality, Neku," he tells himself. Turns around again. "Maybe I'll actually see you next time, huh, Josh?" he says dryly, same as he does every time, and Joshua notes his dedication but carefully does not allow an emotional response.

"Goodbye, Neku," Joshua says, as the door closes with a _snick_. He stands there for a moment, too, and turns away from the small house. He ought to go straight back- Sanae is probably irritated at his being absent right now, even if it'd only take one guess to figure out where he is- but he starts walking again instead of teleporting there.

_"Maybe I'll actually see you next time_." Except there are rules- his rule, if not the Angels'. There are reasons- perfectly good ones, serious ones- not to return to the RG for a visit. Rules and logic have never stopped him before, but this time, they are.

_(C__owar__d.)_


End file.
